Warning: This post contains a multitude of the word - Alzheimer's. Just sayin'.
There will be times when the A word will come up and I will have to do a post on it. I have tried this past week to keep it light around here, but, the inevitable will happen and Alzheimer's will always find a way to ruin my day.
I called my mother Sunday, as I do every Sunday. She has been telling me about her friend and her friend's husband. She told me he had recently been diagnosed with dementia, earlier this year. Unfortunately (?) he passed away last week. As she was telling me this, I could only say, "Well, he was the lucky one." My mother said, "What did you say?" I told her again how lucky he was to go so quick, not suffer. She was quiet for a moment, then said, "You know, you're right."
I know I'm right. Anyone who lives and breathes this will understand. Oh sure, you can come and visit or even on a good day, talk to husband on the phone and say, "Yes, he has gone downhill." But, you don't live here and see what I see daily.
I explained to my mother how I wish that would happen to husband. I watch him suffer so. He can't walk anymore, he can't pronounce words anymore, mumbles a lot, he can't remember anything anymore. The tremors that continually wrack his body. You call this a life? I would rather have him gone, physically as well as mentally.
He sleeps most days and, when awake, he is in a stupor. He thinks he can do things he once did and when he can't, the look in his eyes kill me. The fear and the sadness.
I never, ever thought I would get to this point. But, once again, Alzheimer's permeates my home and the very air I breathe. No, I don't want him to die, but, at this stage in the disease, what's worse?
Last night, husband came to me. He had a look that was different. He told me he had taken a shower. He said while he was in the shower, he felt someone else in the shower as well. First of all, he is supposed to tell me when he wants to take a shower. I have to make sure he doesn't fall. He uses a shower seat, but, getting in and out can be tricky for him.
He said he felt someone was right beside him. I asked him if it scared him. He said no. So, I said the first thing that came to my mind. I said, "God sent your mama to watch over you."
Know what he said? "Yes, I believe that. I felt so close to God and my mom all of a sudden."
Are "they" coming for him? Is this a sign?
When his physical body leaves this earth, and he sees the face of God, he will no longer struggle to walk, talk and remember. He will have no tremors that wrack his body. He will be at peace. He will be so happy. Why, oh why on earth would I not want that for him?
Lord, come quickly.