Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Monday, September 24, 2012

Bad dream?

I just read a blog that I have been following for a few years.  Her story is inspirational.  On her blog this morning, she posted about her surprise birthday presents from her husband.  He made her day so special.

As I was reading her blog, I started to feel sorry for myself.  How different my life is compared to hers.  No, I'm not envious, I'm sad that my life does not include a husband who would go all out for his wife's birthday.

My husband doesn't even remember when my birthday is anymore.  He would not know how to do anything for me and my birthday.  He does not remember when our wedding anniversary is.  He does not know when Christmas is.  He does not remember what month Thanksgiving is in.  Easter?  No, we won't go there.

Husband does not know what day of the week it is, asks me constantly during the day what time it is.  There are clocks throughout the house, but, he cannot read a clock anymore.   In fact, he can't read anything anymore.

I can go weeks not thinking about all that we have lost.  Literally, weeks.  Then, something simple as reading another blog can take me on a downward spiral.  I think, in the last 2 1/2 years, I've said, "It's not fair", maybe, 3 times.  Today as I sit here updating my blog, I can honestly say, "It's not fair."

When we married so many years ago, we both thought this would be our "Happily ever-after."  We were so in love, dedicated to each other, raising a family, working hard toward our "future".  We had plans.  We raised a bunch of good, well-rounded kids.

Pat & Christine invited us to their house for dinner yesterday.  As we were getting ready to go, the button on husband's shorts fell off.  He became agitated and flustered.  I got another pair of shorts out for him, one with an elastic waistband.   I went to check on him and there he was, mumbling to himself, very frustrated.  He looked up at me with the most pitiful look on his face and said, "Help me."

He had put both of his legs in one of the legs on the shorts, instead of the elastic waistband.  As I looked, I couldn't help but burst out laughing.  It was better than the obvious.  After hearing me laugh, he too started laughing, all the while saying, "help me, help me."  I got his shorts on him, all the while still laughing.  As we got ready to leave, he said, "You have to dress me everyday, please.  I can't do it anymore."

Alzheimer's has taken another chunk of my heart.  There isn't much left, you monster.

When will this nightmare end?  There are days I imagine this all to be a bad dream.  I imagine I wake up, husband is already off at work, I think about this "bad dream" and shudder.  Thanking God that it was all just a nightmare.

Then, I realize, I'm wide awake and this "bad dream" is in fact , my reality.

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