I once saw a Talk Show where they had a celebrity on that had written her life story. I was intrigued, because I thought it would be so hard to write a book. She also said that during the writing of her book, she experienced it all over again.
I now know why.
Writing my book, the emotions, fears, happiness, regrets and just general re-living my life have come into play. I actually feel as if I'm vomiting words out. Really, no kidding.
It's all coming out. I am consumed with telling my story. I will be doing dishes, when, all of a sudden, a memory will come to me and I have to stop and go to my laptop and write it down. I want to tell it all.
It's not just about husband and his disease. It's where I've been and where I'm going. It's about discovering me, coping with unimaginable events in my life. It's also about faith and, how God has been a constant in my life.
It has brought out pure, raw emotions. It's a lot to write a book. But, in order for me to grow, I have to tell my story.
Husband, on the other hand, is unaware of my writings. It is not necessary to explain to him what I'm doing. It'll take too much time and energy to get him to understand the concept of writing a book. He is lost in his own world.
He had a good day yesterday. I took him with me to a friends house. He enjoyed himself. He sat at her kitchen table and nodded his head for 2 1/2 hours. She would show him pictures and say, "You remember these guys?" He would smile and nod his head. She doesn't understand or will not accept the fact that he does not remember any of them.
There was a picture of us, when we were dating. He did not recognize us. It was a good picture. We looked so happy and healthy. He sure was handsome. I made a copy of it on her copier. He stared at that picture all the way home. Said he doesn't remember that picture. Asked me several times if that was really him or not.
Jack called earlier this week. Said he is having a rough time, but, when I asked him if he was going to make it, he said, "Of course, Mom."
God has been working in his life. The day after he got to Basic, another guy had to leave. Seems his dad died. He did return about a week later. When this guy got back and they had mail call, there was a letter from his dad, the day he died. In the letter, he told his son how proud he was of him and how much he loved him.
Since then, Jack and this guy have become very close. He is 28, a bit older than Jack, but, Jack said they have bonded over the fact that his dad is now gone, and Jack's dad is on his way. Jack said he is kind of like his mentor now. God put someone in his life when he is so far away that he can relate to. How neat is that?
I miss my boy. It's like an ache that won't go away. I stay busy. I have husband to care for. And I have my book to write.
All in all, it was a good week. Our weather is wonderful. I saw leaves falling yesterday. Fall is here. Soon, the snow may come. Time to get ready for Winter. We have a good stock of firewood ready. Button down the hatches and brace myself for the cold.
Time is going by so fast now. Husband is fading further and further away from me. One day, he too will be gone. And, I will miss him and ache for him as well.