Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Monday, September 17, 2012

Moving forward?

Whatever got into my blog is gone, I hope, for good.  May have been a little bug?

I had a sad day yesterday.  I am missing Jack.  I was hoping he would call, it being a Sunday and all.  I want to hear his voice.

Husband has been waking up early.  Comes out and the questions begin.  He sees me typing, asks me what I'm doing, continues to ask me questions.

Father in law may come get him today.  I hope so.  I haven't had a break in about 2 weeks.  I feel like I need to get away, but, where?  He goes with me everywhere I go, especially since Jack has been gone.

The day Jack left, Tuesday, husband came out of the bedroom and asked me, "Was I a good dad to Jack?" I broke down crying.  Right in front of him.  I saw pain and confusion on his face.  I told him, "When a person asks that kind of question, you know you were a good dad."  Of course, he didn't understand that, so, I had to break it down for him.

He misses Jack too.

Oh, if only I had a job to go to.  I continue to pray for something to come along.  It certainly would help me out not only financially, but, mentally as well.  When I filled in at my old job 3 weeks ago, well, I felt so good, laughed even, looked forward to the day.  For a week, I had that feeling.  I want to have that feeling again.

Church was good yesterday.  At first, my heart wasn't into it, but, as pastor started speaking, my heart opened up to the message.

I'm just blah today.  It's just another day.  No place to go, not much to do.

What happened?  We used to be such busy people.  We were always coming and going.  We were always exhausted at the end of the day.  We always had plans for the weekend.  The house used to be filled with the sounds of kids coming and going.  I was always telling at least one child to "turn that music down."

Now?  Children are all grown up.  It's so quiet here now.  I don't like it.

And husband?  Oh, well, he has Alzheimer's.  He's going to die.  He doesn't know whether he is coming or going anymore.  He can't walk anymore.

Me?  I'm still me. At least I think so.  I just want to live again.

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