"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart". Jeremiah 29:11-13
Only God knows what His plans are for me. Only God knows what my future holds. All I have to go on is His word. He will carry me through this dark time. I have faith, although, some days my faith is tested beyond my limits. I have to keep looking up, knowing He will not forsake me, however, once again, there are times I cry out, "Where are you Lord?"
Yesterday was not a good day for husband. He was depressed and slept all day and all night. I tried to get him up, he refused. He said his life was over, he has nothing left to live for. He cried. A deep cry, a cry that no wife should ever witness from her husband.
How do you tell someone who is dying that yes, they have something to live for? When you both know those words are meaningless?
Husband is getting farther and farther away from me. I am having a hard time reaching him now. I used to be able to talk to him and have it affect him. Now? No affect whatsoever. He is in his own world now, the world of Alzheimer's. It has taken total control.
The heaviness in my chest is back. I watch a commercial on TV and it brings tears to my eyes. I think of my Mother and it brings tears to my eyes. I think of my children, when I gave birth to them, and it brings tears to my eyes. I think of my childhood and it brings tears to my eyes.
My acting skills have to come into play now. Jack is leaving on Tuesday. There will be people over here to say goodbye to him. I will put on my "acting suit" and smile, offer coffee, coke or water? Play hostess. Making small talk, answering their questions on how I'm doing with a cheery, "Oh, I'm fine, good in fact."
There will be no mention of impending death. No, no one will ask about husband. They will see for themselves when he is wheeled into the room. He looks like he is dying now. No, you don't have to ask anymore. It's like he carries a sign that says, "Yes, I am dying."
My prayer now is for God to take husband home. Enough is enough. He has suffered enough.
Yes, enough is enough. It's time. He has fought the good fight, a mighty fight, but, the monster has won.
Time to go home.