Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Thursday, September 19, 2013

A new Due Date?

Has Fall arrived here in Colorado?  I think so.  I woke up to a cold morning with the wind blowing.  Some of the tops of trees look a little yellow to me.  Could be. 

Uneventful day yesterday.  Husband has remained in his own world.  For the most part, he will just stare into space.  Once in awhile, he seems to come out of it and ask a question, the same question he had asked 15 minutes earlier.  I answer again, only to have him slip away and continue staring into space.

I was watching him yesterday, staring into space.  I was so intrigued by it.  I wondered what is going on in his head.  Does he hear voices?  Is it just a muddy mess in his brain?  Does he, in his mind, acknowledge that it is a jumbled mess?  When you see something like this,  it does make you wonder.

His eating habits are very messy.  He makes a mess at the table.  I wipe up food from his placemat and usually end up having to wash the placemat once a week.

As I said before, I just wish Alzheimer's would completely take over now.  Quit giving me these little reprieves from this disease.  I am so tired of this roller coaster.  For me, it's either all or nothing.  At this point, I'd rather have nothing, than to live this day to day, waiting for  the other shoe to drop.

I think I've finally reached the point to where enough is enough.

I have lived and breathed this disease for 3 1/2 years now.  I'm so over it all.  While I don't want husband to die, I don't want to see him suffer, struggling with the day to day effects of this disease.  It's heartbreaking to watch this. 

We see the new Neurologist in Denver next Wednesday.  I still have his MRI, done in June, on a CD Disk in my purse.  I wonder what this new Dr will see.  What will be his opinion?  Will he see what Dr A saw?  Will he give me a new "Death Date?"  I am looking forward to going, crazy as it sounds.

Until then, I will watch and wait.  It's all I have anymore.

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