Ah, let's see, what is happening around here? Nothing. Days seem to run into each other. Fall is upon us, the weather is turning cold. It's getting quieter and quieter around this apartment complex. People are beginning to stay indoors more.
And, I'm in a rut. Something about blogging is not working for me anymore. I am finding it harder and harder to blog. I don't have much to say these days. Other than, my husband is dying and I am caring for him. Period. That's it in a nut shell.
How many times can I say husband has once again declined? How many more times can I "talk" about his hallucinations? His memory, or lack thereof?
This has been such an emotional journey for me. Only, most people don't see it. Even family members. Sure, I've shed a few tears in front of family, but, for the most part, I've kept this all to myself.
There are days that I don't think I'm going to make it through. But, I keep that to myself. There are days I dream of driving off into the sunset. No one knows that one either. (well, until now). I think I've mentioned before that I sometimes imagine husband already gone, and I am here alone. Actually, I really am here alone. Being alone is not such a bad thing, except when you have a husband physically present, but mentally gone. Now, that's a hard one.
Then, I have good days, when husband is present and it seems as close to normal as you can get. I think that is the hardest part for me. Knowing he's not normal anymore and this is just a little break from my stark realty. When I say good days, it's good, sure, but, as I've said before, there's always the other side of me that sits and waits for it all to go away. And, just like clockwork, it all goes away and I am left with nothing once again.
I used to come here and feel good about what I posted. Now? There's really not much more I can post about. And, I'm sure most readers out there are looking for someone who posts about their interesting lives. Not this blog, where it's all doom and gloom.
I started this blog as a daily journal, beginning a journey I never thought I'd travel. Not me, no, it wouldn't happen to my husband. And, here I am, traveling it. Doing it. Watching it. Living it.
So, I've come to a fork in the road. Do I continue this blog or, let it go. I want to chronicle this journey, but, am I doing it for me? Will I, one day, want to read this? All of it?
I honestly don't know.
So, bear with me as I ponder this one.