Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Where do I go from here?

Ah, let's see, what is happening around here?  Nothing.  Days seem to run into each other.   Fall is upon us, the weather is turning cold.  It's getting quieter and quieter around this apartment complex.  People are beginning to stay indoors more.

And, I'm in a rut.  Something about blogging is not working for me anymore.  I am finding it harder and harder to blog.  I don't have much to say these days.  Other than, my husband is dying and I am caring for him.  Period.  That's it in a nut shell.

How many times can I say husband has once again declined?  How many more times can I "talk" about his hallucinations?   His memory, or lack thereof? 

This has been such an emotional journey for me.  Only, most people don't see it.  Even family members.  Sure, I've shed a few tears in front of family, but, for the most part, I've kept this all to myself. 

There are days that I don't think I'm going to make it through.  But, I keep that to myself.  There are days I dream of driving off into the sunset.  No one knows that one either.  (well, until now).  I think I've mentioned before that I sometimes imagine husband already gone, and I am here alone.  Actually, I really am here alone.  Being alone is not such a bad thing, except when you have a husband physically present, but mentally gone.  Now, that's a hard one.

Then, I have good days, when husband is present and it seems as close to normal as you can get.  I think that is the hardest part for me.  Knowing he's not normal anymore and this is just a little break from my stark realty.  When I say good days, it's good, sure, but, as I've said before, there's always the other side of me that sits and waits for it all to go away.  And, just like clockwork, it all goes away and I am left with nothing once again.

I used to come here and feel good about what I posted.  Now?  There's really not much more I can post about.  And, I'm sure most readers out there are looking for someone who  posts about their interesting lives.  Not this blog, where it's all doom and gloom. 

I started this blog as a daily journal, beginning a journey I never thought I'd travel.  Not me, no, it wouldn't happen to my husband.  And, here I am, traveling it.  Doing it.  Watching it.  Living it.

So, I've come to a fork in the road.  Do I continue this blog or, let it go.  I want to chronicle this journey, but, am I doing it for me?  Will I, one day, want to read this?  All of it?

I honestly don't know.

So, bear with me as I ponder this one. 



  1. I think we all get in those ruts. I think you would for sure. Maybe start taking pictures of things unrelated to your hubby that you could post. I know what you mean by others not taking you seriously. My friend's husband has a terrible heart. He shouldn't even be here. People think that since he is that his condition isn't that bad. Hugs

  2. Boy, those are some tough questions you are asking yourself. Obviously, only you can know if blogging (either personally or publicly) is good for you!

    Is part of it that you don't feel like you get enough comments on your posts? Or, is it mainly that you feel you are "boring" ? I never think any of your posts are boring - and I enjoy reading every time. (Enjoy perhaps isn't the best word when you are talking about your husband's decline... I hope you know what I mean.)

    Or, is it because when you finish a post you don't get the same feeling you did previously? I know there are many times that I post and get a feeling of satisfaction - these are mostly the before/after posts I might do about decorating a room or re-purposing a piece of furniture. But if I blogged about my day-to-day life, there would be nothing to write about.

    Do your children read here? Will they/do they appreciate knowing the play by play? If it were me, and if my kids WANTED to know, I am pretty sure I'd keep blogging. Also, if you do stop, what about your book?

    Is there anything that any of us out here in "Blogland" can do to make you feel better? If so, please say the word.


  3. I read your blog every day. I read it because I I am in a simular situation (not with my husband but with my dad). His health is failing. He has heart issues, liver issues, cancer, and other issues. I read your blog because I pray for you. I pray for your husband. Continue to blog so I know what to continue to pray for.

  4. For what it's worth, I just want you to know I understand you have to make the decision that is best for you when it comes to continue blogging at this point in your journey. I followed another blogger who felt she needed a hiatus as she was going through a season of unending grief. She was done with the public processing her thoughts/feelings for a time. She came back to it when she was ready for it.

    Having said that, I personally would really miss hearing how you are doing & how your husband is doing. I am not lying when I say I check your blog everyday, usually in the morning as I know you'll have your post up. (And I don't read for entertainment here. I read because you have chosen to be real and I want to know how you are doing.) I know I don't comment much and I regret that if it discourages you in the least bit. I often feel that my words might be trite considering your circumstances or that they wouldn't make a difference. Perhaps it's true...but if not, do tell us. There may be others who think like me. Just because we are strangers in blogland, doesn't mean we can't be a support or make a difference in someone's life.

    So again, I want to respect whatever decision you make as you need to do what is best for you right now. (But I'm hoping you'll continue or at least keep us posted regularly!)


  5. You and your blog are such inspirations to me. The way you are able to express your raw emotions is amazing. My mother has Alzheimer's and you have been so much help in my being able to deal with my own feelings. I certainly hope you continue to blog.
    ~Laralee from Alabama

  6. My grandmother was the sole caregiver for my grandfather who had Alzheimer's. He lived 12 years with this dreaded disease. My grandmother was both private and protective of nearly every detail of their life during this time. I often wonder what sort of things she dealt with and how she handled all of this alone.

    I appreciate your blog and your thoughts that you share. I think you should do whatever you need to do to help you through this time in your life. May God continue to bless you during this time.