Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Monday, September 9, 2013

No shoes, today. Please

Well, our trip to Manitou Springs didn't go as well as I thought it would.

I can always tell when husband is in one of those moods.  Just by the way he holds his mouth.  So, we did go, but, he was not in a good place.  Plus, the dog wanted to bark at everyone and pull on his leash so hard, I thought my arm would come out of it's socket.

There was one store where the wheelchair would not fit in the aisles.  I wanted to see what was in the back part of the store and I told husband to wait up at the front, I'd be right back.  Of course he didn't listen.  He got stuck in one of the aisles and one of the clerks had to move stuff all around so we could get him out.

After two hours, I was so frustrated, all I wanted to do was just come home and have a pity party for myself.

Driving back down through the little village, I looked at all the people there, walking, darting in and out of shops, husband's holding hands with wives, children laughing, people sitting in the outdoor cafe's and dogs walking with their owners. 

Once we got home, I was helping husband along to our front door and noticed several people at the pool.  I saw kids playing, husband's BBQ'ing and wives sitting in lounge chairs.

I felt such anger swelling up inside of me.  Why can't my life be like that?  Why can't I have a normal life? 

Tish called and said they wanted to stop by.  I warned her ahead of time that I was in a foul mood, but, come at your own risk.   They did stop by and I handled it well.  I was just glad when they left because I wanted to continue my pity party.

This morning, at 5:30, I woke up and husband was not in his bed.  I found him in the bathroom, fiddling with stuff on the counter.  I finally convinced him to get back in bed.  He is not in a good place this morning.

I am still feeling anger.  I am mad at the whole world.  I don't want to feel this way.  I have had bad days in the past, but, this anger I am feeling is not good. 

I have to ride it out.  I will try to keep my mouth shut today and let this anger take it's course.  I suppose it's normal, but, I am very uncomfortable with this kind of anger.  I don't want to take it out on husband, it's not his fault he's sick.  Then, on the other hand, I look at husband and feel resentment welling up inside of me. 

I am waiting for the Home Health Nurse to start coming this week.  That will help.

Ah, life and it's many challenges. 

Today, I don't want to walk in my shoes. 

Maybe I should just go barefoot?

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