This has been on my mind for the past 2 months. I am torn between wanting to help husband, all the while knowing it won't do much good. Or, do I stop all drugs and just let this disease win? No matter what I do, the disease is going to win in the end. Stopping, to me, means giving in, giving up. But, what other choice do I have? There is no cure. There is nothing they can do. Maybe make him more comfortable? Nothing is working.
He still has jerks and tremors at night when he goes to sleep. He still chokes. He can't walk anymore. His memory is fading. Kind of like trying to give a dead fish water, in my estimation.
Because I am the POA, I can make these decisions. But, what if I make the wrong decision? What if there is something that can help, at least for awhile? I woke up with these questions.
I have many questions for Hospice when they come Wednesday. Hopefully, they will have some answers for me. I am hoping they can guide me in the right direction. Also, when we go see Dr Q in December. I guess for now, I will have to be content with what I am doing.
Tonight, we start our classes at church. They have a new members class, getting to know the church and all. Husband is looking forward to it. So am I. They know husband is ill.
Had a good day with husband yesterday. He seemed calm. I found him in the garage, working on a piece of wood. Said he was making a bench. He was in there for awhile. It was good for him. He needed to think he could actually do something still. When he came in, I was sitting on the couch using my laptop. Jack was at the other end watching TV. Husband said, "Where's Jack?" I looked up, pointed to Jack and said, "right there". Husband got "the look", I immediately thought to myself, "oh no", then, slowly, he turned his head toward Jack. "Oh, there you are". He shuffled down the hallway, I turned to Jack. The look on his face almost did me in. Jack said, "he doesn't even recognize me anymore". For a split second, he didn't recognize his son. Husband fell asleep for a few hours, had to rouse him for dinner.
Whenever these "episodes" occur, he sleeps for a long time. I don't know if it's seizure activity or what.
On a lighter note, fall is in the air. It was rainy and cool yesterday. Woke up to much the same today. Love it. The heat was a little too much for me this year.
Jack and I did alot of talking yesterday. It was fun. He is a funny boy. Kristen and I went to the Pharmacy, we laughed all the way there, inside and coming home. It was good.
Life is moving right along. I am trying to keep it all together. I have to. Everyone is depending on me. So, here's to another good day. Let's hope it lasts for a little while. I could use the break.
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