Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Big Girl Pants

Thank you for the sweet comments on our trip to see Jack graduate from Air Force Basic Training.  I am excited to go.  Jack called Monday night and was just as excited.  He has done so well.  He said the worst thing has been the muggy weather.  He also said that the first 3 weeks were the hardest for him, but, has made friends, several of them are going to the same technical school he's going to, so, it's not that bad. My son has turned out to be a fine young man.

Husband took a bad fall yesterday, in the hallway, on tile floor.  He didn't hit his head, but, his right arm is sore and back as well.  He is suppose to use the walker in the house at all times, but, will forget it and attempt to walk away.  Last week I could not find his walker.  I asked him where it was, he looked at me blankly.  I went all through the house.  Just on a whim, I went outside and there it was, in the middle of the driveway!!  What?  When I brought it in, I asked him what he was doing outside, he stared at me and said the walker went out on it's own, he was not outside.  I had the front door open, so, I did not hear him go outside.  Guess I need to put chimes on the screen door as well?

I am doing OK.  I seem to be getting out of this slump I'd been in.  Could be because I am taking a plane trip to San Antonio?  I've also been having quiet times with myself.  Listening to my heart.  Discovering new things about me.  I'm not as sad as I've been as well.  Life is happening all around me, I just need to jump on that wagon.  I can't sit in this house and think of the inevitable, it'll drive me insane.  So, I've chosen to join the living again.  I have to.

It's not that I ignore husband, no, but, I am starting to plan my life without husband.  I know it's coming, you can see it everyday.  We all have choices, it's what choices you make that will shape your life.  In my case, I am making choices that will shape my future.  I will miss my husband, for sure, but, he's gone now anyways, his physical presence is here, yes, but, my husband is gone.  I have this pitiful body I'm caring for, like a rag doll.  I like to think he's got one foot in heaven.  If I think that way, it makes it easier on me to let go of his other foot.

My book is coming along.  It's hard, this writing stuff.  There are days I do no writing, then, like an explosion, out comes the laptop and smoke is left on the keyboard.  It has to be quiet in the house.  Now I get why writers have a quiet place.  I am thinking of turning Jack's old room into my office.  Someplace besides sitting here on my couch.

I don't know the first thing in getting this book published.  Do you have to pay money for them to publish?  Will my book be good enough for publishing?   I've searched on the internet for publishing companies, but, I think I will have to have a finished copy before I start pounding and hounding publishers.  I hope this book will be interesting enough.  Time will tell.

So, life continues.  It's hard dealing with husband, it's heartbreaking at times, but, like everything else in my life, I deal.  If there were a test at the end of each day, I would probably fail sometimes.  On the days that I don't fail, it's just that I've put on my Big Girl Pants and gotten through.

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