Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Taking comfort

Fall arrived here in the Land of Enchantment.  I woke up to cloudy skies, breezy, and it's cold.  The idea of having a fire in the fireplace tonight is tempting.  If it stays cold, I will have a fire tonight.  Cozy.  After that hot summer, this is a welcome relief.  I'll be happy to break out the sweats and socks.

Tyler is coming tomorrow to replace my brake pads.  When this started earlier this week, I felt so helpless, not knowing what to do about it.  Husband used to take care of all of that. I would mention something about the car, and he would take care of it.  Now?  I have to depend on my grown kids to help me out.  Thankfully, Tyler said he would take care of it, not to worry.

I am hoping to hear from Jack.  He has not called in a week.  I am getting used to him being gone now.  It's not so bad anymore.  Of course, I still miss him, but, it's getting easier for me.

The quiet is not so bad either.  In the afternoon is when I love it best.  When I go to bed at night is when it get's to me though.  Turning off all the lights, locking the doors, I realize in this big house, it's really just the two of us now.  What a change for me.

Husband is not coming out of his "mood" as fast as I thought.  He has been rather quiet and either sleeps all day, or, stares at the ceiling.  He doesn't seem interested in anything I say or do.  He's just "there", physically.  Mentally?  He's checked out.

Part of me is relieved, the other part?  Scared.  This is it, I say to myself.  This is what I have been waiting for.  I knew this stage was coming, braced myself even, for it to strike.  I believe we are in the final stage of this disease.  On one hand, I want it to be over for him.  On the other hand?  My mind drifts to the "after he's gone" part.  I hope I will do him proud and hold my head high.  I hope I can do this, without him.  I hope I don't live with regrets.

I have found myself shedding tears this week.  The tears have been brief, but, it comes in waves.  One minute, I'm fine, the next, my body gets these sobs.  Never felt like that before.  I have heard of people getting "wracked by sobs," well, now I think I'm experiencing them.  It's different form crying.  It makes me double over, just for a minute, then, it's gone.

Onto the first cold weekend of the season.  I look forward to having a fire burning tonight.  Not having much to look forward to anymore, it's the little things I take comfort in now.  

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