We're still in a "mood" this early morning. He seems a little better, but, still the "mood" is there. I have to ride it out. Soon, he will be back to "himself". The wandering, confused husband he has become.
Sometimes, late at night I often ask myself, "how long?" All this was triggered last week. I was looking through pictures of happier days to send to Jack. There were so many of husband looking so healthy and normal. He had such an infectious smile. In one of the pictures, something caught my eye. I finally went back to it the other day.
And, there he was with those eyes. They were smiling along with the rest of his face. Bright, happy, full of life eyes. I had a little catch in my throat and put the pictures in my closet, where I can't see them when I go in there. Don't want to see them. The reminder is just too much for me right now.
Also, while looking at those pictures, a thought hit me. At that moment when the camera captured that smile, there was a monster inside of his brain. Hiding, waiting for the right moment to make his presence known. It wasn't too long after that one particular photo that the monster began to emerge. Slight, little incidences one would not make much of anything about it, making light of it, never for once thinking it could be "the curse" as the family calls it.
No, not my husband, I would think. We have too much going on for "that" to happen. We love each other. We have a family. God won't let "that" strike again.
Slowly, the monster has emerged. He has woken up from his sleep and has completely destroyed my husband. Such a pitiful man, my husband. Can't walk, can't talk right, can't think for himself, can't remember anything and spends his days staring blankly at the ceiling or TV.
I am finally OK with it all. I have accepted it and live my life according to whatever the day has in store for me. It's not easy, I have my moments, but, at the days end, as I look at my sleeping husband, the thought always is the same.
"How much longer, Lord?"