Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Simple, common sense

No,  I have not dropped off the face of the earth.  My landlord offered me $100 off my rent if I would clean out one of his rentals across the street from me.  Whew.  That was a job.  But, I got it all done.  My back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my feet hurt, but, I got $100 off my rent this month.  Yay for me.

I had left husband at home while I did this cleaning.  He was not happy about that.  For heaven's sake, I was across the street!!  That means nothing to him, however.  He has been in a "mood" since Monday.  I think I hit a wall this morning in regards to husband.  He is acting like a selfish, spoiled rotten 4 yr old.  I had to tell him to go into "his" room, and not come out until he can behave.  Nice words to say to your husband.  But, I'd had it.  Oh, by the way, he's still in there.

I never, ever, thought I would have to treat my husband like a child.  It's getting to that point where I am flying by the seat of my pants here, folks.   There is no "right" or "wrong" way to deal with this type of disease.  I am using my common sense.  If he acts like a child, I will treat him like a child.  Simple.

I am still reeling from the drastic lapse in memory since Jack left.  Every day I notice the memory getting worse and worse.  I hate it all.

When I got up this morning, I looked at him sleeping and thought to next year this time.  "He may not be here",  I thought to myself.  I had to remember to breathe when that thought hit me.  That's hard, but, on the other hand, he won't suffer anymore.

I just want it all to stop.  All of it.  The fear in his eyes is dreadful.  Then, when the fear leaves his eyes, that haunting look comes back.  Dead eyes.  That's what I call them lately.

We'll see what tonight brings.  I am cooking him one of his favorite dinners.  Maybe that'll bring him out of his funk.  If not, well then, I have to ride it out.

I'm getting good at riding out everything.  But, everyone has their limits.  I have days when I think I've reached it.  Then, I dig deep and find it, somewhere inside of me to go on.  

I have to, he's depending on me.

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