Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Googling Grief

Husband's hospital bed arrived on time, late yesterday.  It's nice, if you like hospital beds in your bedroom that is.  At least he's safe now.

I slept on his side of our bed last night.  To be closer to him, in his bed.  I had a hard time falling asleep.  I kept opening my eyes and looking at his bed.  I thought I was actually in a hospital.  It was a strange feeling.  It's bittersweet as well.

He's safe, I kept telling myself.  Forget what the bed looks like, I said.  But, reality tells me that this is the final step.  This is it!  In doing my homework on the subject of Alzheimer's 101, I did read somewhere that when "patient is in the final stages of Alzheimer's,  it may be necessary to place patient in a bed that will keep patient safe, like a hospital bed."

And so it goes.

On the bright side, my new bed arrives today!  Yay!!  I was going to sell our old bed, but, thought that might be greedy, on my part, so, a neighbor of mine was in need of a bed.  I am giving it to her.  She is so excited.  Makes me feel good to see someone smile.

My bed will be delivered between 2 and 5.  This will give us time to get the old bed out, making way for a brand new, smaller one.  I still want to vacuum the bedroom, re-arrange some stuff and general cleaning.  Busy day.  I am looking forward to tonight.  Sleeping on a brand new bed I now can  call my own.  Bittersweet!

I ran to Trader Joe's yesterday afternoon.  To get more of my coffee, for my espresso machine.  They have the best espresso coffee beans.  When I got up to the register, the clerk smiled at me, I put on my best smile back at him.  He asked me, "So, how are you doing today?"  Being the actress that I am, I smiled and said, "Oh, I'm doing good."  He looked at me and said, "No you're not.  Why do you look so sad?" 

And there, in Trader Joe's, on a busy Friday, I told him in a nutshell, what my life is like now.  He looked at me and said, very sincere, "I knew there was something about you that caught my eye.  Your eyes look so sad.  I am so sorry you are losing your husband.  God Bless, you ma'am."

As I was driving home, it bothered me to think that my life now reflects in my eyes.

Gotta Google, "How to get that grief out of your eyes," today.

Either that, or, learn to be a better actress!

1 comment:

  1. I find it refreshing that the TJ's clerk was that attentive. (Actually, it seems they are much more this way than the average clerk!) The fact he noticed the grief in your eyes makes me think of the saying that our bodies don't lie. No matter how we try to act otherwise. Bless that TJ's clerk. And bless you too, Sue, for always trying to take the upper road. At the same time, I think sharing your grief with others not only helps you, but helps others too. Perhaps it gives people perspective on their problems or perhaps it gives them a reason to think outside of themselves. I do understand & appreciate your use of humor, but I don't think you should get that grief out of your eyes, if I may say that. I hope you don't think I'm judging you in anyway whatsoever, I just think there is great benefit in vulnerability with each other as humans and letting others share in our pain (on whatever level is appropriate to the situation.) May God continue to sustain you in this brutal journey you're on right now.