Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Friday, June 14, 2013

Two beds

I love early mornings.  I love to make my espresso, go outside and sit on my porch.  My apartment complex is so pretty.  It's a park like setting.  The grass is so green.  There are trees everywhere.  Aspens, pine and cotton wood trees.  And, birds.  All kinds of different birds.  I have a hummingbird feeder hanging from my porch.  Love, love, love to watch them, especially in the mornings.  Boy, can those little hummingbirds be aggressive.  They fight for that homemade sugary food.

I went to the Library yesterday.  I felt like a little kid getting her first Library card!  I checked out 3 books.  I have read half of the first book.  As I sat here reading yesterday afternoon, husband was sleeping, all was quiet.  I began to imagine next year this time.  I imagined husband gone and here I am, alone, reading.  Didn't affect me one bit.  Didn't make me cry or feel sad or alone. 

He's gone anyways, so, it doesn't matter.

Husband's hospital bed will be delivered today.  I have told him all about it, that it will go up or down, that I can lower it, making it easy for him to get into, he doesn't have to struggle to sit up, and, best of all, I told him, he won't fall out of bed anymore.  Safe, I told him.  He can't grasp the concept of a hospital bed anymore.  He doesn't remember what they look like.  He said he has never heard of such a thing.  He doesn't believe me, that such a bed exists.

Oh, the wonders of Alzheimer's.

Hospice will begin next week. 

A family member told me to go pick out a new bed for me.  For me!!  My birthday is next weekend, she said it was a birthday gift.  She is always there for me.  I love her so very much.  And am so grateful to her.  I picked one out at a mattress store and when they told me the price, I almost fell down.  I came straight home and emailed family member giving them the price.  The next day, this past Tuesday, Fed Ex showed up at my door with a check for the bed. 

My brand new bed will be delivered tomorrow.

It will be strange not sleeping with husband.  He asked me if we could move the beds close and if he got scared, could I hold his hand?

Damn, I hate Alzheimer's.

I have decided to try and publish this blog when husband is gone.  It's a story that needs to get out there.  I will shut this blog down, but, create a whole new one.  One that involves just me.

One day, as you are browsing through the book section, be sure to look up 4th Pew on the Left.

Some of you asked how I do it.  I honestly don't know.  God knows.  I sometimes surprise myself at how I react to situations. 

Changes.  So many.  Sometimes, so sudden.  But, this is my life.  My story.  My journey. 

I am going to survive, I know that.  Maybe a little worse for the wear, but, survive I will.  I have to.  To honor husband.

He's counting on me.


  1. You are honoring your husband every single day - for years now. Your love, commitment, faith, sensibility, perseverance, respect, and love shine through your actions and your words.

    I would love to have a friend such as you in "real life" - there's not many like you!

    Safe is how I hope you and your hubby feel after the bed arrives. I remember they put an alarm on my dad's bed which would sound off when weight was removed (when he got out of bed). It irritated him, but again, made him SAFE and that's so important. Holding his hand - oh my... how sweet and how sad all at the same time. To me, him asking that looks like a symbol of your husband's love and trust for you. But regardless, that must have hurt deeply.

    Yes, I will purchase your book! But, and perhaps just as important, I will read your new blog because I know it will be a good one. You know, people told me with my mom's cancer that at least I had a chance to say goodbye. And this is true for you too I suppose. I just wish that you (and I) didn't have to see the ugliness, pain and devastation that goes along with having that time. Personally, I'd just as soon be hit by a truck than to have my daughters live through my illness.

    Life, and death can be so ugly. Thanks to God for knowing our loved ones will be with Him in Heaven when they go. There is great comfort in that.

    Thanks for your update - I hope it helps to get your feelings out. Today I will imagine you reading, watching hummingbirds, and hopefully smiling a little.

    Bye for now, SUnney Sue.



  2. p.s.
    Just had to mention that the word verification on my comment was "eternities" - appropriate, no?