When I posted about me being so timid and not speaking up for myself yesterday, it got me thinking about how much I have changed. Some may say I am too vocal now. Some may say I might be a little on the negative side now. Some may say I might be bitter.
Too vocal now? Let's go back a few years:
When I suspected husband of inheriting "the curse", I was shot down by so many. Including family members. Everyone said I didn't know what I was talking about. They would not listen to me. I walked around for 2 years thinking I was imagining this odd behavior.
In 2010, my fears were confirmed by 5, yes, you read it right, 5, Neurologists at UNM Hospital. Maybe everyone just didn't want to face reality, but me.
A little on the negative side? Read above.
Now, I don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder. I don't live in the past. I try to live each day with a good vibe. I try to give off good energy to those around me. I don't walk around saying, "boo hoo, poor little ole' me".
However, I now stand up for myself. If I disagree, I say it.
Funny how life changes a person. I often look back on my life and wonder how I got here. There were so many other things I wanted to do. We wanted to do.
But, God had other plans for me.
My days are now filled with the sights and sounds of Alzheimer's. Changing diapers. On a grown man. Bathing husband. Wiping husband's face after eating. Soothing husband when he wants to leave here and "go home". Guiding him to the bathroom when he forgets where it is. Talking him down when the hallucinations begin. Trying to understand him when he talks. Explaining what a toilet is. Reassuring him that there are no people in the bathtub when he goes in there. Telling him he is not on the roof and will fall, he is in fact, on the bed. Picking his legs up, only to find that they are swollen again and cold. Very cold. Wiping drool from his mouth. Handing him his toothbrush, urging him to hold it for himself. Telling him what a fork is. Convincing him that I am his wife, I am right in front of him. And then, the beloved questions. All day, all night.
Yes, I have changed. Alzheimer's has brought me to my knees. Alzheimer's has changed me.
A little too vocal? Hmm, maybe. A little too negative? You got it. A little too bitter? Yep.
I've come a long way. And, this journey isn't over yet.
Not until the fat lady sings.