Crossing over

I believe husband has finally crossed over into the unknown world of Alzheimer's.  He is oblivious to his surroundings now.  There is no "Oh, I hope he comes out of it", mutterings anymore.  He knows nothing of what is going on.  He doesn't understand me when I ask him a question.  He looks around the room as if he's seeing it for the first time.  There is no interest in food. 

And now?  Now, I wait, for the monster to strike it's final blow.  The final blow will come when husband dies.  Then, Alzheimer's will no longer live in my house.  It will be done, final. 

But, Alzheimer's will always be a part of my life.  For the rest of my days, when I hear  that word,  I will shudder.

I will never be the same.  Ever. 

I look at life differently now.  Living here, in an apartment, I watch and listen to neighbors.  I hear of their life, their problems, their struggles.  I hear them whine and complain about their jobs.  I see them frustrated with their spouses.  I watch them go daily, out into the working world, only to come back at the end of the day, tired.

I used to be among them.  That everyday, working class person.  Life, at that time, was about raising a family, working to survive, but, also enjoying what you did.  Looking forward to weekends.  Payday. 

I watched a young mother yesterday, leaving for work.  Her step was light.  It was Friday.  It was payday.  You could tell she was in a good frame of mind.  She knew that she would have the weekend off, she was getting paid and the weekend was just around the corner.  She smiled a big Good Morning smile. 

Yes, I used to be like that, I thought.

No more.  It's all been taken away.

So, here I am, watching and waiting.  Watching for signs of impending death.  I lay in bed at night and count how many breaths husband takes. 

No, I will never be the same person I once was, with a light step on Friday's, looking forward to payday and the weekend off.

How I long for the days gone by.