I had too much time on my hands yesterday, I think. Husband takes up most of my day. While I am busy with him, there isn't much time for anything else. However, yesterday, he was having an OK day.
His feet are swollen most of the time, but, lately, I've noticed that they turn purple when he is sitting in his wheelchair. Now that we have the hospital bed, I can raise the bottom up for him to elevate his feet. So, after sitting on the porch for awhile, I got him back down so I could elevate his feet.
He promptly fell asleep. The dog got on the bed with him and promptly fell asleep. The house was neat and tidy, dinner was cooking in the slow cooker, and, there I was, with nothing to do, but, think.
And, I allowed myself to "go there".
I thought about what it would be like if he hadn't gotten sick. What would we be doing now? Where would we be living? No kids left at home, it would be just us, and the dog, of course.
We would both probably be working. He would get home first, having started his day very early. The dog would be so happy to see him. He would take a shower and relax in front of the TV, watching the news.
I would get home around 5:30. I would change my clothes into sweats and start dinner. We would talk about our day, work, what we would be doing the coming weekend, the dog, what was for dinner, what favorite TV shows would be on that night, husband would be exhausted from his hard job, but, would be freshly showered and ready for a night of relaxation.
We would eat dinner and he would watch his TV shows, while I tidied up the kitchen, getting ready for a night of TV or reading.
How simple "that life" was, at the time.
I was brought back to reality by the phone ringing.
After I got off the phone, I looked at my surroundings. My small apartment. I went into the bedroom. There was my reality. There was my life now as I've come to know.
Husband, sound asleep, mouth wide open, as if gasping for breath, eyes rolling in the back of his head, hands jerking.
And my dog, laying next to husband, looking up at me as if he knew what I had been thinking. I looked at him, and whispered, "Oh, baby, mommy loves you."
My dog, the one that is ever faithful, that knows and senses what is really going on, looked up at me and began to wag his tail. That soft, flap, flap, flap, as his tail bounced back from husband's bed.
I let out a sigh and left the bedroom.
Imagine, yes, imagine what could've been, but, what is now. And that's the hard part. What is now.