Very low key Saturday. Husband seems a little out of sorts. Once again, probably, (hopefully) it's just the increase in meds.
Went into deep thoughts yesterday. Did a "natural study" of myself. Thought about my past, present and future. Took stock of what I have, what I want and what I need.
I do not like my life right now. I am uncomfortable living this life. It's not natural. I often wonder what others would do in my situation. Would they fold like a card? I've changed in the last 2 years. I used to always look to the future with a child's eye. Planned for when there were no more kids at home (gulp) and it was just husband and I. The future would be different without any kids, but, how exciting for us both.
Somewhere, somehow, we took a wrong turn and landed in the Land of Dementia.
My idea of where I wanted to be at this stage in my life would be preparing my youngest for Graduation, going into the Air Force. We would plan a big party for him, so excited for this child of mine, with his future so bright. Reality says otherwise. While I am excited for this child and happy for him, it's not what I wanted. He told me last night, "I used to look forward to weekends, Mom, no school, now, I look forward to school."
This child of mine took a wrong turn too. He now has a cloud over his head. Will he also suffer from this horrible monster? Will he live a long life? Or, while forming in my womb, did he too get the defective gene?
I need to just......be. There are days I do not want to talk to anyone, even husband. I want to be left alone in my thoughts. Then, there are days I need to talk with someone, anyone. What I need is a normal life. I need to trust more in God. I need to have a stronger relationship with Him. I need to lean on the One who is far greater than anything else. God.
But, once again, I too took a wrong turn. I somehow landed a part in a movie where everything is make believe. Only, it's not make believe, it's real and it's happening.
How could I get a part in a movie when I don't remember auditioning for it?