The days seem to just blend into another. Every day seems the same as the one before. Nothing good happening, but, nothing really bad either. I just want this month to be over with so I can get us moved, settled and for once, relax.
All this Christmas cheer is getting to me. Reading emails and other posts about how wonderful someone's significant other is, surprising them with wonderful gifts, lavish, sentimental, meaningful acts from the love's of their lives.
The only gift I would ever ask for is for my husband to be well and not die. To have my husband back. To have "us" back. To live a normal life. Forget the trips. Forget the new wedding ring.
Of course, we all know that is not going to happen. So, I am left with what I have.
I am sounding negative, I can see where one would have that perception. And, well, maybe I am, but, I've had enough of the holidays and just want to move on.
Husband has been fading in and out. One minute he's perfectly fine, then, in the blink of an eye, he's off in his own world. It can take hours and sometimes even whole days for him to come back. He stares blankly at the TV, sometimes remembering what the weatherman said, sometimes not. It's so very cold now, too cold for him to go out in his scooter chair.
He lives for phone calls. Loves to talk on the phone. Sometimes he remembers he spoke to that person, other times not. I will have to remind him that he spoke to someone when he asks about them. He will get a confused look on his face, look at me sideways and say, "I talked to him? When?"
He knows it's Christmas time. Doesn't know when Christmas is, but, knows it's that time of year. He said he is looking forward to Christmas dinner and the stuffing I make that tastes just like my mom's. And my homemade apple pies.
All is not so sad and lonely. His face lights up when I mention Christmas dinner. He remembers my famous stuffing. And, those apple pies.
So you see, all is not lost.