A chapter closed yesterday. My son is now on his way to Germany.
We had such a wonderful time at father in law's house. BBQ'd, laughed, told jokes, remembered old times and felt love from all around. We took pictures.
Husband enjoyed himself. He was smiling a lot. Father in law noticed his eating and how sloppy he eats now. Together, we helped him finish his meal.
Father in law and I. United by this monster that claimed the life of his wife, now, here we are, once again, going through it with husband. We have a bond now, my father in law and I. It'll never be broken. Ever.
Father in law and I spoke about the "when it happens" thing. He told me he would be there for me. "Little Jack and I will take care of everything, don't worry." He said. As he said it, I looked at him and there in his eyes I could see that he knows now too, that husband is basically gone, and said, "There is nothing left of him, But, look at little Jack. That's the future of our family. That's the hope."
Yes, we have a bond now.
I was dreading the good bye stuff. I'm not good a good bye's. I let everyone say their final good bye's. I wanted to be last so I could leave quickly. As I held this man/child of mine, I cried. Then, everyone around us cried. Then, we laughed. It isn't a sad time, it's a wonderful time for Jack. It's just our hearts are breaking that he will never see his daddy again. We all knew it, that's why we cried. Of course, we will miss him. I was teasing him and told him I would like an espresso set from Germany.
Thus, a new chapter begins for me today. I am feeling OK. When I think about Jack, there is a twinge, but, I think more of excitement for him. The beginning of his life. His travels.
Today I will turn on my TV to the music station. I will listen to the Golden Oldies. I will hear songs popular when I was a child. I will remember. I will clean house. My heart will swell with pride when I dare think about Jack. I may shed a few tears. My house will sparkle and shine. My husband will be in his own world. I will pat him on the head, give him a kiss on his forehead. I will bathe him, dress him. I will sing to the oldies while doing so.
I'm in a good place today. Funny how God works. How He has comforted me in this dark hour. When I thought I would crumble and fall, He has restored me.
It's OK. It's really OK.