A time for me?

Thank you for those uplifting comments.  While I appreciate what others have to offer me in ways of comforting me, it's cuts to the core just the same.  Before diagnosis, well, I did the same thing to others who were losing or had lost a loved one.  I thought it would help them and ease their mourning.  Now that I get the opportunity (?) to watch as my husband dies, the things people say take on a whole different meaning. 

Husband is holding steady.  Not a significant decline.  Not like it's done over the course of 2  months.  There is still a "man" in our closet, people do come and go in our living room, but, no sudden scary hallucinations.  The hallucinations are still there, but, more subdued than before.  When he hallucinates, it does scare me, but, I've learned how to talk in a soft voice to him, rub his back, guide him to the bed, all the while, he does not know me, but, does let me guide him.

A year ago this time, the memory loss used to bother me.  A lot.  This year?  I'll take memory loss over those hallucinations and delusions any time.  Whew.  Those can be something, I'll tell ya.  To say they are scary is an understatement.  It shakes me to my core.

Yesterday, husband was doing his usual taking everything out of the closet only to put it back in the same place he took them out of.  As he did so, I heard him muttering.  I paused my TV and listened.  He said, "You know, you are really bugging me today.  Would you please get out of the way so I can put this stuff away?"  Oh, he was talking to "the man".  Now, mind you, what he said didn't sound like I just quoted, his speech is not like that anymore.  But, because I am with him 24/7, this is what I gathered he was saying. 

I went in and asked him what he was doing.  Of course, I knew what he was doing, but, I wanted him to tell me.  He said, "I'm looking for something and "he" is getting in my way.  Can you tell him to leave me alone?"  So, being the dutiful wife that I am, I said, "Man, leave him alone, he's busy." 
We both paused, then husband said, "Thanks, he's gone back in the closet."

I left the bedroom and had to chuckle to myself.  Yes, I talk to "the man". 

Husband loves his baths.  He asks me every morning it is bath day?  Once I get him into the tub, he relaxes in the hot water.  He sighs a lot and always says how good it feels.  I shave him while he is in the bath as well.  Trust me, I have had to learn how to shave him.  It used to take me some time, but now, I've got it down to a science.

When I get him out of the tub, I have his Listerine ready for him.  He rinses with that, then I have his toothbrush ready.  He has forgotten how to use the toothbrush, so I have to guide him during brushing.  One day, soon, too soon, I'll have to brush his teeth for him also.  Once that is done, I put deodorant on him, then, powder him down with baby powder.  He always smells so good after that.

Dressing a full grown man is no easy feat.  Especially with stiff legs.  But, I get it done.  After that, he is ready for breakfast.  And we start our day.

I don't know any other way of life now.  This is my life now.  What seems so abnormal and sad to some, is normal to me.  Sad?  Sure.  Normal?  Shouldn't have to be this way. 

So, a small glimpse of my life.  Every other morning that is.  One day, when he is gone, I shall miss those bath times.  Who will I bathe?  Who will I care for?  For the first time in many years, after raising 7 children and a husband I have an answer.

Me.