Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Dancing Butterflies

Can the days go by any slower?  I am so anxious to get into our new apartment.  I want my routine back.  My furniture.  Our beds.  Our everything.

Staying here with Tish & Jace is great.  I just miss having my routine and the quiet of it all.  It's time to get back our life, and what I'm dealing with.

Husband is holding steady.  There have been many hallucinations.  It's something I deal with.  I don't like them, and always get a little uneasy with them, but, as usual, I deal with them.

He woke up in the middle of the night last night.  He didn't know where he was at.  I got him settled back down and he did something that touched my heart.  As I was fixing the blanket, he reached out and touched my knee.  I looked at him.  He had the saddest look in his eyes.  I asked him if he was OK.  His response? 

"I'm so sorry", he said.  Man, did ya have to say that?  I said nothing.

Got husband settled back down, he fell asleep almost immediately.  I sat here in the dark and began to think of when he's gone.  Those middle of the nights thoughts are not good for me.  I imagine people sleeping soundly, tucked in their beds.  It's dark and quiet.  Not good for my health.

I bought a Bistro Dining Set last week for our new dining room.  It has two chairs.  The chairs are high, easier for husband to sit on.  It's really pretty. 

As I sat here early this morning, I imagined me sitting at this dining room set.  In my mind, I could not picture husband sitting across from me. 

I have been emotional lately.  I called my Mom yesterday.  I got so emotional over that.  I suppose it's the finality of it all.  Bringing husband here so he can die.  Kinda hits me in the gut now and then.

Sitting outside yesterday afternoon, a Monarch butterfly kept flying over my head.  I would look up, and it looked like this butterfly was dancing in the air over me.  It would dart out, only to come back and hover above me.  It was comforting in a way.  Scary, but, comforting.

I hope to be posting more positive posts once we get settled.  It's just right now, the reality of it all has finally sunk in and I am having a hard time with it.  Lately, there is a lump in my throat that won't go away.  I am trying hard to shake it.

So, 4 more days to go and I can get settled.  I hope this dark cloud lifts soon.  I don't like being this way.   I need to stay positive for husband.  For me.

No place to go but up?  Right?

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