I have many cousins. One in particular, Linda, I have been close to all my life.
Linda is married with 3 children, all grown with families of their own now. Her oldest, took his own life last October. Of course I knew about it, but I could not attend his funeral as all of my relatives are still out in Southern California, and we had just gotten back from our California trip.
Because of my situation here at home, I never reached out to her. Well, I sent her an email the other day, she replied and it made me so sad. She is not doing well, he was her firstborn, they are still walking around asking, "why?" Her heartbreak was screaming out to me in that email. I feel so bad for her. He left 4 children. The two older girls still sleep with his sweatshirts, the two younger ones won't remember him.
And it got me thinking. Will I be like that once husband passes? She is a broken woman. I don't want to be a broken woman. I want to move forward in my life, and cherish what I had. It scares me. I don't want to hurt like she is hurting. Is it different when you have to bury your firstborn, regardless of his age? I think it is. Especially the way he died, by his own hand. My husband has no choice, a death sentence was given to him, he didn't ask for that.
Early, early, this morning, before the sun was even up, husband was talking to "someone". Carrying on a full conversation. Talking ever so softly, it was such a soft voice, one I had never heard before. I can't describe it. I would like to think he was talking to his Mother. I like to think she is "around" him now, I feel her presence.
When he joins her, I want to be strong. I will miss him, I will cry for him, I will tell the grandbabies about him, I will raise our son, I will grieve for him and all he went through.
I just don't want to be a Broken Woman.