Conversations with my Husband

Yesterday, I had a good conversation with my husband. Good in a way because he was fairly "with it". When I say, "with it", I mean, he was coherent enough to listen to me and stayed that way for some time. Then it was gone.

We talked about a lot of things. I told him that he needed to stop fighting this disease. It was nice, sad, teary and heartfelt. We talked about the early days of our marriage, when our Jack was born, everything. Some he remembered, some he did not. He told me that the first thing he thinks when he wakes up each morning is, "I'm going to die". So, I told him to try and think, "What can I do today to make a good memory for my family?". I know, he won't remember that, but it felt good to say it. After that, he seemed quiet, fell asleep for a few hours. Woke him up for dinner, and he started telling me how to make his hamburger. We weren't having hamburgers for dinner.

He is stumbling more and more. There have been no more falls like last week, but, he just can't seem to walk without holding on to something. The walker is against one wall in the living room, and he grabs onto the walker as he walks by. Won't use the damn thing, but it's the first thing he grabs onto as he walks by it. Stubborn. Says people will stare at him if he uses it. As if they don't stare now? I see people look at him when we're out. They glance, look away, glance back at him again, and the look they give him is pity, I see it. Then they look at me as if to say, "what's wrong with him?".

Took him grocery shopping with me yesterday. I would rather eat nails. But, he loves to go. Kept getting in front of the basket then just stopping. Loves to pick out his favorite foods. Every time I would put something in the basket, he would pick it back up, look at it, then say he liked or didn't like it. Maddening.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I will make him a special dinner, Pat & Christine will come over, maybe Tyler & Susie, maybe Marie, Burt & the babies. I will think of my Father who passed away 26 years ago, I will call my Mother. It's not much of a celebration, but celebrate we will. For him and for us.