Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Friday, July 20, 2012

My Calling

This has not been a good week.  Not for husband.  He is in his own world most of the time.  He doesn't worry about anything.  He is oblivious of his surroundings.

It's me.

The finality of it all has settled in.  Not about him dying.  That, my friends, would be a blessing.

It's the suffering he endures.

It's the financial worry that is constant on my mind.

It's the future, my future that I'm worried about.

It's the everything I'm worried about.

I had a panic attack Wednesday night.  It was an awful experience.  I have never felt so alone as I did Wednesday night.

I was shaky all day long yesterday.

I have been reading my Bible, a lot.  I am getting better, but, the reality of it all has hit me full force like a head on collision.

The only thing I can do now at this point is, pray, pray, pray.

Today is better than yesterday.

Tomorrow?  I'll let tomorrow take care of itself.  It'll be here soon enough.

Now that I've had my "meltdown", guess there's no place to go but up.  It's getting up that I'm finding is easier said than done.

I'll get there.  I just don't know when.

Until then,  I will continue to be the strong one, or, at least portray it.  I will smile when prompted, laugh when it's expected of me and act like I've never acted before.

I still say that I missed my calling.  I would've made a great actress.

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