Another gloomy, cloudy day here in the Land of Enchantment. Cold. Weatherman says it's supposed to clear up today. We got zero rain, zero snow. Just down right cold. For some reason, I have had a hard time keeping warm these past few days. My body just can't warm up.
Husband is not good. He has been confused the better part of this weekend. Jack and I sat down last night to watch a show we both love and husband came into the living room in a panic. He said he had no pants, did I know where they were all at, he had no clothes to wear. I gently told him that he has Levi's in his drawyer. Oh no he doesn't, he says. Said he had been through all of his drawyers, no clothes, but, what he did have are old, full of holes clothes. Said everyone but him has nice clothes.
I could feel Jack tensing up. The look on his face broke my heart. I told husband we would deal with this in the morning, that I would find his jeans for him. Husband was so confused, he turned circles, trying to find the hallway to go back to the bedroom. I could hear him talking to himself about the lack of clothes, but, soon stopped. Jack said, "I hate him".
With my heart in my throat, I told Jack his dad is very sick, don't hate him, hate the disease and what it's done to his dad. Jack would not hear of it. I told him I understood how he feels, but, try to understand what his dad is going through. Try getting an impressionable 17 yr old to understand that.
Jack has alot on his mind. The pressures of graduating, going into the Air Force. That's alot. Then, to come home and watch your dad slowly turn into a helpless, mindless, pathetic man is not for the weak minded. It is pathetic. It's not fun to live in my house.
After our program, Jack went to bed. A few minutes later, I went into his room and spoke with him. He didn't want to hear me, but I told him I loved him and was there for him. He muttered, "Uh huh".
Kristen had gone to a kids' birthday party. She brought home 2 cupcakes, one for me, one for husband. I took his into him, told him that Kristen was thinking of him, here is a surprise for you. He looked up at me with a blank stare, eyes glassed over, "the look" you know, smiled and said, "For me? Why thank you". It was as if he was talking to a stranger. As I was walking down the hallway, it hit me. He did not know me for a moment. I almost threw up.
So, here I am this morning. My husband is loosing his mind, my son is struggling something awful and I am trying to keep it together for sake of all of us.
Oh, Heavenly Father, hold me up, hold me up.