I am not in a good place this morning.
Reality has set in.
I watch daily the struggles husband goes through, just getting out of bed. He uses his hands to lift his legs. They don't work anymore. He looks around the room as if to say, "Where am I?" Once he sees me, it's like he suddenly remembers. He eats breakfast. He will sit in his chair, try to have a conversation with me, gives up, goes back to bed. It's too much for him to speak with intelligence anymore. He tires easily. He will sleep for hours. He will yell out in his sleep. He talks to "visitors". He will ask me what day is it, he will ask me what time it is. He will ask me where Jack is. He will talk about the old days, when he was well. He can remember some of it. Other times, he makes up stories. He tells me he was the "best concrete cutter in Albuquerque". His eyes seem to light up when he talks about working and being the best. He will tell me stories of when he was a little boy and how his dad would take him fishing and camping. He remembers that. He doesn't remember where they used to go to, but only remembers they fished and camped. He will ask me again what day it is, what time it is and where is Jack. He will ask me to make a special dinner, I will, only to have him say he isn't hungry or he doesn't like it afterall. He tries again to make conversation. Once we start talking, "the look" appears and I know I've lost him. He will tell me what the weather will be like tomorrow. Sometimes not here, but in other parts of the country. He will ask me when he goes to the Dr again. He will ask me if he is going to see Dr Q again. He will ask me when are his Orthodics coming in. He will ask me what did I do with his money. He will ask me if Jack came home from school yet. He will ask me what day is tomorrow. He will ask me where the dogs are. He will ask me where Kristen is.
I hope whoever reads this will never, ever have to have this happen to you. I hope your husband/wife, significant other, will never have to experience this slow decline into madness. Or you for that matter. To watch them slowly die, slowly loose their mind, slowly loose all their abilities to function, as the life drains out of them. No, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
The worst part of all of this is, there is nothing that can be done. Not medicine, no surgeries, nor treatment whatsoever. Nothing. You sit here helpless as you witness the life fade into nothing.
You suddenly become so familiar with medical terms, it just rolls off your tongue. You suddenly become observant. You suddenly start looking for signs of "end of life".
With all this "experience" and "on the job training", I could assist other "survivors" if they have the "opportunity" to go through what we are going through. If I could help 1 person, just 1, then maybe this is my calling?
Maybe I should update my Resume.