Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Monday, December 19, 2011

For Christmas, I'd like a warm heart, please.

Beginning to feel like me again. Took it very easy yesterday. I'm getting better, just taking it's sweet time.

We are supposed to have blizzard like weather today. It is raining, mixed with snow. I do have to go out, so, let's hope it waits til I get home. Not comfortable driving in this kind of weather.

Husband is about the same. Confusion abounds. Total confusion. Not retaining anything. "The look" haunts me. I do not like to look at his face anymore. It's the face of a stranger. He doesn't look the same. He's gone, really gone. Another reality slap. He does however, seem more comfortable now that I'm on the road to recovery.

One week to go and I can breathe easier. I have never dreaded Christmas the way I do this year. Reading other Blogs as I do, the holidays in those houses are happy, filled with cheer, looking forward to the new year. My new year will probably consist of the death of my husband and the loss my children and I will have. So, no, I just don't have it in me. I smile when out and about, faking it all the way. But, when I come here each morning, my heart speaks.

I am however, looking forward to Christmas dinner. The kids, or most of them will be here. I love cooking for my family. It will be bright and cheery.

The day after Christmas, Jack flies to Arizona. For his Christmas gift, Tish & Jace bought him a ticket. He will spend one week with them. He is looking forward to that. I know he will have a great time. I am excited for him. I hope he comes back refreshed.

So, onto a new day. It does look cozy in my house. The grey skies, the rain mixed with snow outside, the lights on the Christmas tree, I like that. It is warm in my house, freezing outside. I just wish the warmness would warm my heart. Today, my prayers will be for God to warm my heart. I hate feeling this way. I want to be happy like everyone else.

Today, for the first time, I am going to ask, "Why"?

1 comment:

  1. I wil pray for your warm heart. I know you have little to look forward to. When my father was like this it was so hard. It was still hard when he passed but I did feel peace. Still miss him though,
    I may not get the chance later so I will say Merry Christmas, and I hope that despite all that you have to go through it will be a memorable one. Take lots of pictures. I hope your son has a good time away. Wish you could get away for a couple of days. (((((HUGS))))