Christmas was different than I had expected. I enjoyed myself, thankful for everything. The food was delicious, the family great. All in all, I can honestly say I enjoyed myself. My heart was warm.
As we sat eating our Christmas dinner, I looked around at my family. I looked at my children. When did they get so grown? I looked at husband. He was in and out of reality yesterday, but ate a good dinner. I checked on him throughout the day. "The look" is back, but, he laughed and smiled a lot. He mostly sat in his chair in the living room. He gets embarrassed around other people at times because he cannot walk unassisted anymore. He doesn't like people to see him this way. So, he sat all day.
After everyone had gone home, husband went to bed. I sat up for awhile and the thoughts crept into my mind. I wondered where I will be next year this time. Will I be a Widow? Will he really be gone? Will I look back on this Christmas and wonder if I made him happy on this, his last Christmas? Where will I be? Here? Will I be happy? Oh, the thoughts. Can't help thinking.
Jack leaves for Arizona today. A whole week he gets to be a kid again. He is beyond excited. I am excited for him.
So, the Holidays are over with, for the most part. News Years Eve is approaching. I will probably do the same thing I did last night. Think. Shouldn't do that, not good for me. I will make the coming year the best husband will know, or, remember. I will find a smaller, cheaper house for us. After that, I will settle into the here and now, and, prepare myself for what is to come.
This past week has been a wonderment to me. I have opened my eyes, really opened my eyes to God and the love He has for me. As I go into a new year, He will not forsake me. He will comfort me. He will watch over me.
I know He will, because He said so.