Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Friday, April 13, 2012


The dogs woke me up early this morning. They needed to go outside, I guess. The little one, Snowball, is a feisty little character. He always gets excited when I throw the covers off of me and swing my legs over the side of the bed. That's his sign the day is beginning and he spins and jumps, making it difficult for me to get out of bed.

The bigger one, Bessie, is more subdued. She will stand at the end of the bed, waiting for me to get up. It's almost like she sends Snowball to wake me up, while she waits patiently, looking innocent.

And so my day has begun.

I was very blue yesterday. I had a lump in my throat all day. I don't know why. Nothing drastic has happened, in fact, husband was fine yesterday. I had this fear of something happening to me. Where that came from, I have no idea. I kept worrying that if something happened to me, who would care for husband? What would my kids do? I found myself praying for God to keep me safe.

My whole body was tense. But, I realized, it's always tense. I would catch myself, making my shoulders drop, relax, I would tell myself. Stop it, I would tell myself. It was not a good day for me. I pray today will be better. I can't let anything happen to me. Too many and too much is depending on me.

On the brighter side, our friends, Doug & John, from church, are coming today, to build the ramp for husband. It will mean freedom for husband. He will be able to go outside, ride around in his Scooter Chair, get some fresh air. I can't let him go too far, unless he is with me though. I am afraid he will become confused and get lost. We live off of a very busy boulevard and I shudder to think what would happen to him if he did become confused.

I have to make sure he "feels" independent, but in reality he is not. He can no longer think for himself, I do that for him as well. He relies on me for everything. So, I pretend to him that he is on his own, when in fact, I am right behind him. Hence, if he goes outside for a "walk", I go outside for a walk. Whether I want to or not.

Seizure activity kept me awake for quite awhile last night. Yes, they're back. Why is it that we can go for a few days with nothing, then out of the blue, they come back? Guess the EEG in May will give me those answers.

A recap of my day yesterday. If I had to give each day a grade, yesterday was a D-.

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