Father in law took husband yesterday for the whole day. He picked husband up around 9 and did not bring him back until 3:30. Ask me how my day was. Come on, I know you're dying to ask. Well, it was..............................
I was in my zone. I did not speak a word, (well, except to the dogs, but they don't talk back) the phone rang a few times, I took a long, hot shower and the rest of the day I did nothing. Absolutely, nothing. Can we all say AMEN?
I love my husband. I love caring for him. I love making sure he is comfortable, happy and making him special meals. However, when he is in his own world, it drains the life out of me. This disease has taken over my entire being. It's suffocating me.
While husband was gone, I played a game with myself. I play pretended that husband was well and at work. I was a stay at home mom, taking care of her household. I wanted to feel what "normal" felt like again. I had to "go there", just to feel alive again, feel what I used to feel like.
Jack came home from school, we talked about his day, I told him what I was making for dinner. It all felt so normal, almost real. Almost.
Husband got home, I visited with father in law, Jack visited with his grandpa. Father in law left. As I was cooking dinner, I asked husband if he had eaten at his dad's.
He looked at me with that blank look, scratched his head, looked around the room, cleared his throat, looked back at me and said, "I don't remember."
Like a splash of ice cold water, I was back in my "real" life. Here it is, I thought. Welcome back to reality.