April 1st today. Where did March go? Actually, I don't know where this year has gone. Time is going by so fast. Too fast, I think.
Husband is doing so-so. The more lucid moments are fleeting now. He seems to be in his own world most of the time now. Pleasant (mostly), but, not there.
He wanted to go to Wal-Mart yesterday. I had a lot to do in the house, but, took him anyway. When we got home, he said, "I have to lay down. I can't go on." He slept for 3 hours. When he woke up, he was very confused, not really saying much, just continued to lay on the bed and stare. He was quiet. After awhile, he came around and was able to eat a good dinner.
Around 6:30, he went outside in the back. We have a sliding door leading off of the living room into the back yard. The dogs went with him. After about 10 minutes or so, I glanced out the sliding door to see what he was doing. He was sitting on the bench near the patio. Snowball was on his lap. He was just staring at nothing, petting little Snowball. He looked so sad and pitiful, sitting there. I choked a little, looking at him.
He came in and I noticed him having a lot of tremors. I suggested he take a nice hot shower, then, relax. When he came out of the shower, he told me he forgot to use the shower seat, "but, I didn't fall or anything," he said.
We usually like to go to church on Saturday evenings. Since we've moved, I just can't seem to get it together to go on Sat night. So, we will go to the 11:15 AM service today. Always, when I come home from church, I feel so refreshed, ready for a new week. Ready for anything. "I can do this," I always think, driving home from church. By the middle of the week, I find myself saying a silent prayer of "Help us Lord."
We have no more Dr appointments until his EEG in May. We see Dr A in July. Dr A explained why we go every 6 months. He wants to see how the disease is progressing, judging how much time husband has left.
Husband just woke up and said he had a nightmare. Had to get out of bed, he said. He is starting in on the questions. We go through this every morning. Questions that don't make sense to me, but, questions just the same. It always starts out like this. The questions seem to ease off by mid morning. By then, he is asleep again.
Questions. I have my own questions, however, I don't speak them out loud. These questions rattle in my head, all day long. My questions cannot be answered, at least not in this life. One day I will have my answers. When I go before My Lord, I will ask Him. He has all the answers.
The first thing I will ask is, "Why?"