Sunday. Church. Birthday dinner for my Marie. It was not a good day. At all.
Husband has continued to be lost. I think he realizes he's lost, somehow, someway. And, it's all my fault.
During services, he slept. I noticed his head bobbing, hands folded on his chest and his head dropped down. I decided to let him be. While we were singing, he got up from his wheelchair, held on to the chair in front of him. I said nothing. As we were sitting down, his legs started to tremble something awful. He barely made it back down; it was a violent tremor.
Driving home, he began to tell me that Dr A does not know what he's talking about. Where that came from, I have no clue. As with everything else, I agreed and kept driving, not once looking at husband. Then he proceeds to tell me that Dr A had no right to notify DMV about his "issues", he said he drives fine and does not like Dr A anymore. Says he would not listen to husband at our last visit, he only had "a little problem driving a stick shift is all". Says he can drive an automatic with no problem. Said he is going to drive my car whether I like it or not. Period. I kept driving, not saying anything.
Car keys are now being hidden.
It went from bad to worse. Nothing I did was right, nothing I said was right. I tried to avoid him without him catching on that I was trying to avoid him.
I. Hate. This.
All of it. This monster has taken over his very breath. It permeates the air in this house. It lurks in every corner of this house. Even the dogs try to avoid him.
This is not my husband. My husband has "crossed over." Does he now reside with God, in his mind? God, are you keeping him? Where is my husband?
How I mourn for everything lost to this monster. There are days that I think this is not fair. Today is one of those days.
However; it is what it is.