Husband's last camping trip

Husband's last camping trip

Thursday, May 3, 2012

A new day, hope renewed

Husband has continued to be in his own world.  This has been a very hard week for me.  I have had so much on my mind and the finality of it all has sunk in.

There have been days that I didn't think I'd make it through, but, somehow, someway, I made it.  I can't pinpoint one certain thing that has happened, it's a combination of everything that got to me.

On a positive side, the seizure activity at night has subsided.  There are constant tremors during the day,  making me scratch my head at times.  I guess I will get my answers to this when we go for an EEG on the 10th of this month.  This test will measure brain wave activity and the abnormal activity.  Because I have done my research, when all these specialists talk to me, I actually understand what they are saying.  Guess it pays to do your homework.

Husband is in a constant state of confusion.  This started last week and has not let up.  Usually, he will go in and out.  Not so this time.   This confusion results in him becoming angry/scared at what's happening to him.  I can only imagine what he is going through.  I try to use a soft, calming voice to ward off any fears he may have, but that only works if he is in the moment.

I have to do heavy grocery shopping today.  I know he will want to come along.  I can't say no, but, taking him to the store with me is like taking an unruly, spoiled rotten child.  I have to make sure he doesn't wander off, put things in the basket I cannot afford, or, strike up a conversation with someone he doesn't know and start talking crazy to them.   When this happens, they look at me as if to say "What the heck?  Is he for real?"  That hurts me, for husband.  He doesn't know what he's doing, I want to say.  But, I leave it unsaid.  I walk away, with husband.

The weather has been beautiful lately.  I have encouraged husband to go on walks with me.  In his scooter chair.  He loves getting out in the fresh air.  I love it too.  It's good for the both of us.  I look forward to that everyday now.  We have a pool here.  It's private, only for residents.  You have to pay a yearly fee to have access to the pool.  Husband wants me to pay the fee so he can go in.  Maybe, I said.  We walked by yesterday.  They have taken the cover off  and someone was vacuuming the pool.  It did look refreshing, that pool.

The start of a new day.  Busy day for me.  I kept the car today.  Took Jack to school.  It's a beautiful morning.  As I was driving back home, I looked at the mountains, so big and bold.  The sun had come up over these mountains, bathing the entire city with it's light.  In this brightness, I saw a glimmer of hope.  Hope for me.  I made a decision to have a good day today.  I have to.  


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